We've been busy lately...lots going on. I don't know if that is what "triggered" it. I don't know if a facial expression triggered it...a sound...a noise, but CJ had a melt-down tonight. Daddy thought it was a tantrum, but it wasn't. Oh, it wasn't.
When we were at New Day, I was the first one who got to "see" CJ...and when we first met, it wasn't love at first sight for him. It was terror. I will never forget his face, his tears, the way he did everything he could to get away from me. He went to that place tonight...it all began because of a "cool car", but then it happened. His eyes gave me that look and he did everything he could to get away from me. This wasn't a tantrum. This was terror. It broke my heart. I removed him from the rest of the family and just sat there with him...together we sat on my bedroom floor, while he screamed and wouldn't look at me.
Where did his mind go?
Was he thinking of his favorite nanny?
Was he missing the place that he had known as home and family?
Did he know where he was?
I just kept whispering, "Look at me, CJ...just look at me. I love you."
I held his stiff little body and asked if I could sing to him, and he finally gave me something. A nod.
I sang "Jesus Loves Me", and then...as quickly as it began, it was over. His stiff little body became welcoming again, and he clung to my neck.
He seemed to forget that it even happened, but for me...for me, there aren't really words to describe the turmoil that it makes me feel inside. Partially because I hurt for my son. Partially because I hurt for my other 2 who have to deal with similar feelings. Partially because it is WAY more than any 2 year old should have to deal with...
But mostly because there are 140 MILLION other children that don't have mamas or daddies to hold them and sing "Jesus Loves Me" to them until they can wake up from their nightmare.
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Oh, Nikki, I am so, so sorry. That ache is so deep, I know, my friend. Praying for you and your little ones. One day, HE will wipe away all those tears, once and for all, but until then, praying for you my dear friend. Love you-
ReplyDeleteOh, my. Bless his sweet heart. And I am so sorry for you, too. What a terrible feeling when you wish you knew what was going on in their little heads and hearts.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you handled it very well. You are right, though. Praise the Lord he has someone to love him through it.
Praying for you all as you continue to unfold as a family! You are amazing in your strength as a mother especially as you face the unknowns going forward in total trust in God. He does give you SO much strength and I am reading in awe of his power and love. I'm so glad your little guy worked through his bad place and was able to come around. And also as you wrap your mind around surgery of both your little boys. We will continue to lift you up in your journey! --Valerie
ReplyDeleteYou're officially initiated...perhaps into the world of RAD. Not fun, and nothing you can really do about it except pray and trust God.
ReplyDeleteI hope, for both of you, these episodes don't happen too oftern.