When a Fixer can't fix...

I love to run.  I haven't gotten to do much of it since we got home last year, but every time I do get a chance, I have a little cheerleader.  We live in a cul-de-sac, and each time I would lap, little Landon would be looking out the glass front door, waving.  Last September, after a run, I came in and Landon said, "Mom, I get my leg fixed and I run with you."  It melted my heart.  I said, "Absolutely, buddy.  For SURE."  Being the fixer that I am, I was going to make sure that we got this FIXED so that he could do what he wanted to do - run.

Fast forward to our pre-op ortho visit, and I mentioned running to the doctor.  He says, "Um, I can turn the leg and fix the bones in the foot, but that doesn't mean that he will ever run."  This just ticked me off.  So, we got in the car to head home, and I immediately wrote off what that doctor said.  Yep, Landon was going to run with me.  For sure.

Fast forward to post surgery, post cast and recovery, and we aren't running yet, but I still wasn't upset.  We will get there.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago.  SB Clinic.  A little earth shattering for me.  Daddy couldn't make that clinic day, so I was trying to process lots of information by myself.  Both boys saw neuro, ortho, urology, and rehab medicine.  Long day.  Typical for CJ...things look good.  Next, Landon.  Wow.  I just wasn't prepared..."Do you realize that one leg is shorter than the other?  We need to get him a shoe lift." "Do you have him in PT yet?"  "Why are you doing 'such and such'"  "Why aren't you doing 'such and such'" "Don't say things like that to him...that is setting himself up for failure".  I left and cried all the way home and all night long.  A precious friend who also has kids with SB said, "Look, you are just grieving over things that you thought would be one way, and they aren't going to be like that.  You aren't doing a bad job - you are learning.  You are encouraging your child, not trying to beat them down."  I realized that she was right, but I also realized that for months and months, I just thought, "We are going to get all of this fixed, and he will be able to do anything he wants to do. Period."  Reality hit me hard.  

I had just thought that the Lord would fix everything, I guess.  Stupid, I know.  Not good theology, I know.  I really thought that I/we had failed somehow...not that, perhaps, Landon was born with God-given physical limitations that might, perhaps, be used for His glory.

Then, the Lord used a neighbor to open my eyes to something that had been in front of me since April of last year.  She was watching the kids play and she said, "Nikki, I don't think you realize how good Landon is doing.  You see him every day, but look at him!"  

I thought, "For Pete's sake, woman, I see him every moment of every day", but I turned around to see Landon peddling with both feet on his tricycle (something we had worked on for a LONG time after surgery, and he GOT it, but I didn't GET that he GOT it!).  I looked at him and realized..."Wow.  He really has come a LONG way.  And not because of anything that I/we have done, but because of God's grace."

 Landon and his foster mom when we had to leave because we didn't have legal custody yet...we would get to take him the next day.

 Landon today.  Peddling with BOTH feet.

...and jumping on a trampoline.  For real.

What a lesson for me.  I may be a "fixer" by nature, but ultimately, I am not a fixer at all.  There is only one Fixer, and if He chooses to allow Landon to live with certain limitations, how dare I question those.  I will fight for my child to do all that he can do and to get the best medical care possible.  But when the Fixer says, "No, it is going to stay that way.  Watch Me bring Myself glory through this", how dare I question Him.  Lord, give me grace to work to change the things You would have me to change, and give me wisdom on when to accept things as they are.  For Your Glory.