When I am so selfish that the Lord has to smack me...

Many of you know that we have been dealing with a LOT with little Landon, medically.  Since his de-tethering surgery on the 28th of August we have been dealing with high fever spikes, off and on headaches, and vomiting.  His case has been so complicated that to make a long story very short...here we are, day 4 of being at the Children's Hospital..of painful tests, being separated as a family, and being brought straight to our knees.  We have a team of neurosurgeons, urology, and infectious disease working on him.
This has been so, so hard on all of us...I forgot my journal today, so I am "writing" here.  On Sunday, as I prayed and thought through all of this, as I watched my kiddos struggle with understanding what we are dealing with, it was like the Lord whispered to me,"Step out of yourself a moment...what have you been praying for your children?". I thought...that their faith would be REAL to them, that they wouldnt just try to rely on us, but on HIM, that they would learn to run to the Rock of Ages.  "Yes, so let Me teach them."
Oh, lessons are hard...I wish He could give our whole family faith to move mountains withOUT pain.  I wish that I didnt have to see Landon cry when we leave him at the OR door....I wish that we could have our family Bible time at HOME led by Daddy...I wish He could wrap up spiritual maturity in a prett box with a colorful bow and just hand it to us.  But, then that would pretty much go against the "take up your cross daily" and the Jesus who suffered horribly so that we could be reconciled to Him. One thing I know, is that He is right beside us in this refining fire...He wont let us be scorched, but the goal of reflecting the character of Christ...that is what we are after.