"Hope deferred makes the heart sick..."

A view of our walk on Sunday

We have been pursuing Landon's foster brother since March...praying for him since January. We know that our flesh did not lead us to this little guy - his special need is one that I have always steered clear of. We fell in love with him and long to have him home. One of our prayers has been, "Lord, if he isn't meant for our family, please close the door soon so that our hearts aren't broken." We are told there is "hope" that his file is coming to us...then, nothing. Now that all our paperwork is logged into Ch*na, the travel timeline is ticking for Landon. If we aren't able to get his foster brother's file locked, we just can't do it...we can't travel twice.

Last night a new list came out, and we just knew that we would get his file. The timeline is ticking...we need that file. Yet, last night, our agency sent me an email with "Bad News" in the Re line. I didn't need to open that email, but I did. She was right...no file, this is bad news. She knows our timeline, she knows the logistics, and she knows this is bad news. I cried until well past midnight...how does my heart hurt so for a child that I haven't held or birthed? Why, Lord, are you answering completely opposite of how we have prayed? God is so good. So patient. He let me cry in His arms. He let me get angry. Then I realized something. He isn't answering completely opposite because one other prayer that I prayed was, "Lord, through this adoption give me a taste of Your love for us. Sinners saved by grace. Children adopted into your family." That is what He has shown me...love that is deep, wide, all-consuming, and willing to take risks and hurt for those whom He loves.

This morning, Mike so sweetly watched me cry, listened to me get angry (again), and ever so gently said, "Nikki, God can make a way." I said, "Stop. The hope is more painful than the silence." I decided to pick up my Streams in the Desert devotional...the verse for today, Numbers 9:19 "When the cloud tarried...then, the children of Israel...journeyed not." God made a way for the Israelites when it seemed as though Pharoh was going to kill them all...sea in the front - death behind. There was no visible way. Okay, Lord, I am hearing You...I know You can make a way, but this hurts.

I came downstairs to try to tell the kids the bad news, but before I could say anything Luke said, "MOM! I had a dream that Landon's foster brother's file came in the mail!" I just silently cried and said, "Kids...it didn't come. It doesn't look good. Please prepare yourselves that we most likely will becoming home with only Landon." Silence. Time for our devotional in the Jesus Bible Story Book (which tells every Bible story directing the kids to Jesus - showing that it all points to Him.) The title for our reading today, "God Makes a Way." The story of the Israelites, the Red Sea, and Pharoh. Sometimes the Lord has to tell me things a few times to get His point across. HE will make a way. That way may not be to bring Landon's foster brother home, but He will make a way...it may just be the way of showing our family to love like Jesus loved, to refine us and purify us. But as the Refiner, He is not walking away from the fire, He will watch over us, and when the fire gets too hot, He will turn the heat down, or take us out. Until that time, may we praise you Father for being willing to refine us, to watch us hurt and continue to refine us. Drew asked me, "Mom, does God like watching us cry because we don't have the file?" No son, He doesn't, but He loves us enough to purify us. Even when it hurts.